I Missed A Day!

Dagnammit..I wanted to post something every day and not a week in and I already missed yesterday...aaaarrgghhh!!! I will tell you the confluence of events that conspired to thwart me from posting yesterday:

[1] I got very wet walking to work...this caused a very slight tweaking of the fabric of the universe

[2] A creature, best left undescribed, but suffice to say called "Bertram" and not happy about it, wandered into my life as a result of a bet.

[3] By 1pm all the seats in the office had rotated 180 degrees and were facing East...as though searching the skies for something only they could see!

[4] Following luncheon, two plastic bags, a roller skate and some fish-bits found their way into my bag. This attracted cats, naturally, and I spent the afternoon attempting to lure them out of my bag by impersonating a tin of KittyKat.

[5] The evening was spent in splendid isolation, with a lovely young lady, in a bar, and by the time I got home twas past the witching hour and all hope was lost.

So them's the breaks kids...life can be as transparent as cling film, but like cling film it can be clingy and filmy and rather hard to tear in a straight line without getting the edges all tangled and....well, you get the idea.

Enjoy.

The Shed of Despair

My shed has been following me. I went for a stroll down to the local shops and every time I looked around, there was my shed, trying to look inconspicuous and 'blend in'. If that wasn't bad enough I caught it the other day pretending to be a bush in the park. It looked ridiculous with it's sides and door painted in a camo-pattern. For a start we were in a green and lush British park, and it had chosen a US desert war camo-pattern!

So I have put it on a chain and cemented the chain into the ground. I know this sounds cruel, but it still has the run of the back garden and can climb on the fence and pester the neighbour's dog.

I just wish it would stop whining late at night...I feel a little guilty in the wee small hours.

Boxes

I bought some boxes today. They were flat.

Hmmmmmmmmm?

Flat boxes confuse me and scare my cat.

Can a box truly be a box when half the box is not a box? The lids were flat too, so at least they matched I suppose!

There's A Voice...

...and it keeps on calling me. I've gotta tell you that it is starting to get on my nerves a bit.

I mean, at first it was kinda fun. I head off somewhere new, meet some people, help solve a crime...life was sweet. But then just as I felt settled, this damn voice called me on and I had to go somewhere else!

Come on...I just want to settle down and enjoy one place for a little while. I'm not some kind of hobo you know?!

Still, there is a positive side to all this. Every step I take I seem to make a new friend...which means my MySpace site is doing really well...I wonder if the voices will let me move on to another 'virtual' location next time...hmmmm?

Oh well...until tomorrow...suppose I just beeter keep moving on!

Hamsters...A Brief History

Hamsters have been with us since the dawn of time, first as a feared predator of early man, then as a beast of burden, finally evolving into the domesticated pet and 'man's best friend' we know them as today.

The first notable hamster was HAMSTERNIUS, a fearsome beast that fought in the Circus Maximus. This brute of a hamster was responsible for the deaths of 312 Gladiators and the maiming of countless hundreds more. He was eventually granted his freedom and moved to the hills of Turkey where he had a small farm.

In later centuries many hamsters were indispensible as navigational aids. The Greeks and Egytians would never leave port without a correctly aligned hamster to show them the way. Used in conjunction with a theodolite the hamsters could navigate you safely through the roughest of seas.

Archeologists have uncovered ruins in the South American jungles covered in heiroglyphs of hamster gods. One such being was named Queztlehamztel and was worshipped for 200 years by tribes across the continent. Wars were fought in his name, thousands sacrificed to his greater glory on the torture-wheels, and the heiroglyphs also show the priests with their ceremonial pouches and swollen cheeks.

As we head closer to the modern day, hamsters fought bravely for the allied forces against the rampaging hordes of Germanic dogs and penguins in the Great War (1914-1918). Losses were so high in the King's Own Hamster Fusilliers that Canadian and New Zealand volunteer hamsters were brought in to bolster the ranks. We have much to remember on Hamster Commonwealth Day!

And in our modern world...let us not forget Hambert and Georgster...our most celebrated hamster aritsts. Currently showing a lifetime of work at the Tate Modern...including 'Slidey Tubes', 'Piles of Droppings', 'Shavings For A Bed' and the controversial is-it-art/is-it-porn 'My Wheely'.

So the hamster is a boon for our economy, a benefit to our arts, a muse for our creative types, a heckler to our politicians and a small furry thing to our kids...HOORAY FOR THE HAMSTER!

String Length Conundrum

So I have been wondering just what all the fuss is about regarding the length of a piece of string. It's in all the newspapers, there are websites dedicated to it, statues in all the major capitals of the world...this string length business is, well, big business.

There are schools of thought, entire philosophies, inner-city gangs and kooky cults all with their own take on the dilemma of the indeterminate nature of the string. Communities have be born, grown and passed on based solely on a belief in the length of the string. Hundreds have been sacrificed and thousands more killed in wars between rival belief systems.

To be honest, I reckon the unknown nature of the string's length has caused more problems than any other single question in human existence.

So to save us all eternal damnation from this cursed string/length conundrum I have decided to give you all the answer...it is simple, obvious, tasty, groovy, incredibly fruity and I hope it solves the world's problems. So here goes:

Q: HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING?

A: TWICE AS LONG AS IT IS FROM THE MIDDLE TO THE END

Now off you go and play in the sun and stoip all this silly string nonsense...have some jelly instead!

Combined Harvesters

Is it me, or have you ever actually seen two or more harvesters combined? I mean, I have seen them on their own, and in herds in big fields, on telly and in books...but they are never combined.

When they combine is it like in Transformers when the robots combine to make a bigger robot...or is it something altogether more...shall we say...sexual? For what purpose does the combination take place?

I wonder if it is like baby pigeons...we know they are out there, but no one ever sees them. I mean, there are always more harvesters, so presumably they must combine at some time...maybe they have masonic lodge type meetings where they combine in utter secrecy.

It is a mystery to me. But then so is how we decided to call yellow 'yellow'. Ho hum.