Wednesday, 13 June 2007

The Rock Gods n Me!

A mighty big HOORAH for it is little old me standing behind the rock gods who are (l-r) Geezer Butler, Ronnie James Dio & Tony Iommi, of Black Sabbath and Heaven & Hell fame!

Sorry for the fuzzy pic quality, the photographer got it a bit wrong, d'oh!

The best part of the day? Going to the pub at lunchtime and enjoying a pint and a pie with Tony and Ronnie...seriously, how cool?!

Hoorah for British Heavy Metal...metal rules!

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Disappearing People

So one minute they are there...on the phone, texting, online, msn...basically they are in your life pretty much full time. And then, as if out of nowhere they are no longer phone calls, no texts, not online, silent msn. If this were a movie you would assume they had been abducted or something similarly X-filian. But sadly, in reality they have just gone away...stopped wanting to speak with you and no longer a part of your life. you feel angry, annoyed, upset, depressed, sad, down? Or should you be the adult and accept that life is what it is and that the problem is theirs, not yours? As much as it pains me to say this...but you have to stand firm, be adult and accept that life changes and it is out of your control. As easily as someone comes into your life they will just as easily leave it reasons, no explanations, no apologies.

But trust me on will hurt, be hard to accept and your heart will be broken...but then you move along and get back to living your life with those who are still in it.

I hope this helps those to whom it is know who you are and to what I comment.

NEXT TIME: to speak your heart or stay silent...the impossible conundrum!

Saturday, 2 June 2007

Top Writing Talent

I'll keep this simple, people:

Dr Who + Paul Cornell = television magic

Well done PC for a terrific double episode that took the doc to some uncharted waters and showed that every now and again the BBC are able to do something truly original and interesting.

So Russell T, if you are reading this...MORE Paul Cornell scripted eps please!

Woo for Who

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Gravy n chips

So what's going on with chips n dips? I can follow the deal of chips n ketchup (or that terrible US invention Catsup 7-Up but made of, really!), and chips n bbq sauce. But then people started doing chips n mayo, and then chips n gravy (urgh!). But even those are just about acceptable. But it has gone too far. Today I saw someone dippin their chips in seagull fat. I knew it was seagull fat because I have travelled far and wide and length and height as well. They dunked then munched and smiles of perplexed embarrassment came over their faces.

Is this a new craze? Is it a cult? Is it mental illness? Maybe we will never know...

Seagull fat!

Monday, 21 May 2007

Clay Pigeon Breeding

So there we were, merrily shooting many hundreds of clay pigeons, when it dawned on me to ask where these poor unfortunate creatures cames from. It is a fascinating tale full of derring do, capers, high jinks, flavoured milk and a bevvy of beauties....but it all ends in the breeding of clay pigeons. Suffice to say, I will not go into the sordid and to be fair, private, ways that these wonderful animals 'get it on'...but once the deed is done it is a mere matter of days before the baby clay pigeons are born. Usually in clutches of 10 to 15, the one centimetre clay pigeons have to be protected from ravens, hawks, chopper pilots and TV weather girls...for all of whom the wee babies are a highly sought after delicacy. After a week, they have grown to full size, and their plummage, displaying the club or manufacturer's brand, is fully developed. They then undergo an intensive 12 month training regime, preparing them for all the various ways they may be fired out of a trap. After their passing out ceremony, a week in Tahiti and some free chips...the clay pigeons are shipped off to their new homes, ready and willing to be shot at by humans with guns.

It is a life...hmmmm?


Sunday, 20 May 2007

An Empty Vessel

I have no thoughts today. I thought I was on the tip of my thingy...tongue...but no, it was just a bourbon biscuit.

So I will try to resume normal service tomorrow with some more exciting and random thoughts...maybe some thoughts from a far off land, or possibly something from inside a box. But nonetheless, they will be thoughts, I can guarantee that.

Happy thinking...

Saturday, 19 May 2007

Boring or what?

Twas the day before Sunday and all round the house, people watching football would moan, curse and grouse...

Yup, the FA Cup came and went, and by Elvis it was get the idea.

So well done Chelsea, but let's all now get on with some real jellyfish hurling, and retro-badminton.


Friday, 18 May 2007

Is It Me...?

I am wondering a lot recently about whether it is me? At positive times I consider that it is 50% me and 50% them. But a lot of the time is negative time at which I feel that it is most probably me as all of them can't be wrong...surely?

So if it is me, and not them, just what is it that is me that is causing the problems?


I suppose I could ask them, since they aren't me and so should know the answer. But then since I am me, and it is me, maybe they won't tell me why it is me that is the problem.


Maybe tomorrow I can be someone else...might be nice for a day!

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Tired n Low

I am sorry to say that I am feeling very tired and somewhat low today. Could it be the the 5am wake up call? The day at a conference? Not getting the reaction I had hoped for from a conversation?

No...I have been invaded by a team of 'tirednlow' Gnomes...they infect you, work their way around your body and cause general malaise. Damn them and their amusing pointy hats, their sing song voices and their ability to bring me down.

By tomorrow I hope all is back to normal as I have sent in a team of 'upandatem' orks who should fix the problem and all being well, be on their way quick sharpish.

ho hum!

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Green Beer!

I saw two people drinking bright green beer today. It was at the Ealing Beer Festival and to be honest it was quite the strangest thing I have ever seen. It was like Swarfega Beer or something. Still, they seemed quite happy and so, like a mad man I decided to try some...

...quite nice actually!

But what is with the bright green colour? These real ale people are a strange bunch...but you know, after that, and a few other pints, I could see the attraction in growing a fuller beard, settling into a comfy chair, pulling on a pipe and enjoying drinks called Old Todgers Cowbell and Postlethwaites Recurring Bedspring Nightmare.


Tuesday, 15 May 2007

I Missed A Day!

Dagnammit..I wanted to post something every day and not a week in and I already missed yesterday...aaaarrgghhh!!! I will tell you the confluence of events that conspired to thwart me from posting yesterday:

[1] I got very wet walking to work...this caused a very slight tweaking of the fabric of the universe

[2] A creature, best left undescribed, but suffice to say called "Bertram" and not happy about it, wandered into my life as a result of a bet.

[3] By 1pm all the seats in the office had rotated 180 degrees and were facing though searching the skies for something only they could see!

[4] Following luncheon, two plastic bags, a roller skate and some fish-bits found their way into my bag. This attracted cats, naturally, and I spent the afternoon attempting to lure them out of my bag by impersonating a tin of KittyKat.

[5] The evening was spent in splendid isolation, with a lovely young lady, in a bar, and by the time I got home twas past the witching hour and all hope was lost.

So them's the breaks can be as transparent as cling film, but like cling film it can be clingy and filmy and rather hard to tear in a straight line without getting the edges all tangled and....well, you get the idea.


Sunday, 13 May 2007

The Shed of Despair

My shed has been following me. I went for a stroll down to the local shops and every time I looked around, there was my shed, trying to look inconspicuous and 'blend in'. If that wasn't bad enough I caught it the other day pretending to be a bush in the park. It looked ridiculous with it's sides and door painted in a camo-pattern. For a start we were in a green and lush British park, and it had chosen a US desert war camo-pattern!

So I have put it on a chain and cemented the chain into the ground. I know this sounds cruel, but it still has the run of the back garden and can climb on the fence and pester the neighbour's dog.

I just wish it would stop whining late at night...I feel a little guilty in the wee small hours.

Saturday, 12 May 2007


I bought some boxes today. They were flat.


Flat boxes confuse me and scare my cat.

Can a box truly be a box when half the box is not a box? The lids were flat too, so at least they matched I suppose!

Friday, 11 May 2007

There's A Voice...

...and it keeps on calling me. I've gotta tell you that it is starting to get on my nerves a bit.

I mean, at first it was kinda fun. I head off somewhere new, meet some people, help solve a was sweet. But then just as I felt settled, this damn voice called me on and I had to go somewhere else!

Come on...I just want to settle down and enjoy one place for a little while. I'm not some kind of hobo you know?!

Still, there is a positive side to all this. Every step I take I seem to make a new friend...which means my MySpace site is doing really well...I wonder if the voices will let me move on to another 'virtual' location next time...hmmmm?

Oh well...until tomorrow...suppose I just beeter keep moving on!

Thursday, 10 May 2007

Hamsters...A Brief History

Hamsters have been with us since the dawn of time, first as a feared predator of early man, then as a beast of burden, finally evolving into the domesticated pet and 'man's best friend' we know them as today.

The first notable hamster was HAMSTERNIUS, a fearsome beast that fought in the Circus Maximus. This brute of a hamster was responsible for the deaths of 312 Gladiators and the maiming of countless hundreds more. He was eventually granted his freedom and moved to the hills of Turkey where he had a small farm.

In later centuries many hamsters were indispensible as navigational aids. The Greeks and Egytians would never leave port without a correctly aligned hamster to show them the way. Used in conjunction with a theodolite the hamsters could navigate you safely through the roughest of seas.

Archeologists have uncovered ruins in the South American jungles covered in heiroglyphs of hamster gods. One such being was named Queztlehamztel and was worshipped for 200 years by tribes across the continent. Wars were fought in his name, thousands sacrificed to his greater glory on the torture-wheels, and the heiroglyphs also show the priests with their ceremonial pouches and swollen cheeks.

As we head closer to the modern day, hamsters fought bravely for the allied forces against the rampaging hordes of Germanic dogs and penguins in the Great War (1914-1918). Losses were so high in the King's Own Hamster Fusilliers that Canadian and New Zealand volunteer hamsters were brought in to bolster the ranks. We have much to remember on Hamster Commonwealth Day!

And in our modern world...let us not forget Hambert and Georgster...our most celebrated hamster aritsts. Currently showing a lifetime of work at the Tate Modern...including 'Slidey Tubes', 'Piles of Droppings', 'Shavings For A Bed' and the controversial is-it-art/is-it-porn 'My Wheely'.

So the hamster is a boon for our economy, a benefit to our arts, a muse for our creative types, a heckler to our politicians and a small furry thing to our kids...HOORAY FOR THE HAMSTER!

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

String Length Conundrum

So I have been wondering just what all the fuss is about regarding the length of a piece of string. It's in all the newspapers, there are websites dedicated to it, statues in all the major capitals of the world...this string length business is, well, big business.

There are schools of thought, entire philosophies, inner-city gangs and kooky cults all with their own take on the dilemma of the indeterminate nature of the string. Communities have be born, grown and passed on based solely on a belief in the length of the string. Hundreds have been sacrificed and thousands more killed in wars between rival belief systems.

To be honest, I reckon the unknown nature of the string's length has caused more problems than any other single question in human existence.

So to save us all eternal damnation from this cursed string/length conundrum I have decided to give you all the is simple, obvious, tasty, groovy, incredibly fruity and I hope it solves the world's problems. So here goes:



Now off you go and play in the sun and stoip all this silly string nonsense...have some jelly instead!

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Combined Harvesters

Is it me, or have you ever actually seen two or more harvesters combined? I mean, I have seen them on their own, and in herds in big fields, on telly and in books...but they are never combined.

When they combine is it like in Transformers when the robots combine to make a bigger robot...or is it something altogether more...shall we say...sexual? For what purpose does the combination take place?

I wonder if it is like baby pigeons...we know they are out there, but no one ever sees them. I mean, there are always more harvesters, so presumably they must combine at some time...maybe they have masonic lodge type meetings where they combine in utter secrecy.

It is a mystery to me. But then so is how we decided to call yellow 'yellow'. Ho hum.